Choices and Abilities
by KimSunny
Summary: [SPOILERS DEATHLY HALLOWS] Things happen in Hogwarts. People change. Feelings too... SSxLE Bad summary. Please review!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I unfortunately do not own any of this, characters belong to JKR.

Author Notes: Hey everybody!

First, thank you for reading my fanfiction despite the awful summary I've written. This is basically the story of Lily and Severus at Hogwarts, but it's absolutely not exhaustive. In fact, this is part of a giant fanfiction I plan to write, which will be probably be called "Marauders" — but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

This story contains spoilers about "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows", so do not go further if you haven't read it.

I must probably warn you about this: this is the first fanfiction I write in English; indeed, I'm French and I usually write in French, so if my spelling is wrong, or my sentences sound bad, please let me know and I'll try to fix it.

Please review, whether you loved it or loathed it, whether you found it good, bad, awful, or if you have advice, critics, questions, or even if you truly enjoyed it and feel like you must let me know (I would love that )

* * *

**Choices and Abilities**

"_Sometimes I think we Sort too soon…" – Albus Dumbledore._

* * *

"This is it, Sev, I've had enough!" The tone of her voice was tough, and could not be mistaken — she was angry.

"Lily, I'm sorry, I —"

"No, don't think that just by saying sorry you'll make everything go right! You always say you're sorry, but, but…" She seemed on the verge of breaking down to tears.

"Lily, calm down," Severus said, gripping her wrist to prevent her from going away.

"Did you see her, Severus? Did you even see what they did to her?" He felt a little ashamed now, because she had the exact same tone of voice than when she was speaking with James Potter, which meant she was not only mad at him, but she also felt despiteful towards him.

"No. But what do you care, you don't even _like_ her —"

"So what, Severus? So what? This is still an evil thing to do! She looks terrible, and when she entered the infirmary, Mulciber was actually laughing! It was just disgusting, and I know you would have too, if you were there. I don't understand…"

"I wouldn't have laughed," Severus said, most sincerely. "I'm not like them, and you know that."

"I don't know anymore," whispered Lily, almost for herself. Something inside Severus' insides broke apart. "When you're with them, you're not the same… you were actually defending them rather than Mary, and you even yelled at me in the Great Hall, remember? Why?"

"Because," Severus started, and then he stopped. She could not understand. He did not have a lot of friends, other than Lily, and he intended to keep the few he'd made, even though it meant « not being himself » from time to time.

"You see? You don't even know. It's just the way you are — and I can't put up with this anymore."

"I don't want to loose you!" he shrieked at her. Oh Lord. That was the dummiest thing he had ever said. What was she going to think of him now? What a fool. He swallowed.

Lily raised her eyebrows, but did not smile.

"Well then, you're going to have to make a choice. I hate to say this, but it's me or it's them."

He looked deep inside her beautiful, intense green eyes, trying to tell her. He just couldn't. He took a deep breath, opened his mouth, and —

"Are you okay, Evans? We thought we heard some — oh, hello, _Snivellus_."

James Potter had just entered the room, looking amazingly proud, along with his fellows Black, Lupin and Pettigrew. Severus did not fear them when he was with Lily, knowing that she would stand up for him, tell them to go away… but the weirdest thing happened. Lily did not say anything. She looked at Severus a little fiercely, then opened her mouth, still looking at him, and with what seemed an unbearable effort, she said:

"Oh, hello… James"

Though she looked as if she had eaten half a dozen rotten oysters in a row, Severus knew what it meant. It was the first time she would call Potter by his first name and it was deliberate provocation towards him. But still, he couldn't help but feeling awkwardly bitter — this meant she was veritably angry at him, and mostly, not ready to forgive.

James gazed at her as if she wasn't real — he looked, if possible, more like a jerk than usual, his mouth half-opened, wide-eyed —, Sirius gave a "did-I-miss-something" look to Lupin, who shrugged his shoulders, and Pettigrew glanced at James, waiting for him to talk.

"So you will go out with me, then?" is the only thing that came out of his lips. Severus smirked. Lily shrugged, then turned on her heels and walked away, leaving Severus furiously alone in the middle of the Marauders.

_To Be Continued…_


	2. Chapter 2

Author Note:  
First, thank you for those who sent reviews _(et la prochaine fois Esmé, en anglais je te prie )_, that was nice. The first part was short, and I guess they will all be, more or less, but the story in itself will be quite long (as I plan it for now anyway). I hope you'll enjoy this chapter as well, even if it's a bit... well, let's say it... cheesy.  
Anyway, enjoy the reading guys, and don't forget to review!

* * *

**Choices and Abilities (Part II) **

* * *

  
Next morning, Severus woke up early; he knew what he had to do. He had made his choice. To his huge satisfaction, the Great Hall was almost empty when he went down to eat his breakfast, and when he glanced at the Gryffindor table, he did not see neither Lily nor the Marauders. He sat down to the Slytherin table, alone, but felt, oddly, as if he was being watched. He lifted up his head and saw Professor Dumbledore turn away his eyes from him. He did not like nor dislike him particularly; he wondered for a moment if Dumbledore was actually watching him or if it was just an effect of his imagination, then his thoughts slipped to a more important matter.

Back to the Slytherin common room, he started to implement his plan.

When he got into Potion Class, where he usually paired with Lily, she'd already sat down with another tall, brown-eyed girl from Gryffindor, and she didn't even looked at him when he sat down next to Avery.

Once he had noticed that Lily and Severus weren't sitting next to each other, Potter obviously looked very pleased, and he and Black made jokes during the whole class, talking very loudly and laughing hard. Even when the teacher said, "twenty points from Gryffindor, Mr Potter and Mr Black," they did not look upset at all and kept talking. Severus thought he heard "… pissed at him, and for good" and at this moment, caught Lily's shiny green eyes, who quickly turned away from him.

"Wait and see, Potter, wait and see," he muttered for himself, grinning.

He managed to catch up with Lily after Potions.

"Look, I'm really sorry, okay?" he said, though knowing it wouldn't work.

"We've discussed this already, Severus. Let it go."

"Well, you should at least go and see how Mary's doing, if you really care about her, shouldn't you? That's what I'd do, anyway."

"What do you —," she started — but he was gone already.

* * *

Though Lily didn't like Mary MacDonalds much, she felt she had to visit her at the infirmary, just to see if she was okay. Besides, though she wouldn't admit it to herself, she was quite puzzled by Severus' weird suggestion. 

"Oh, hi, Lily! Nice of you to have come," Mary said.

"I just wanted to know how you were doing," Lily replied. "Those Slytherins are really evil! How could they do that to you, for no reason? I mean, I really hate —"

She was interrupted by a long call. She looked up and so one of the most beautiful birds she had ever seen; he looked like a parrot, though much taller, his bright feathers multi-coloured; he had wide dark eyes, and his large beak was orange.

"That's… just…" Lily was amazed. Mary laughed.

"Let me introduce you to Sev!" There was a twist in Lily's stomach.

"Sorry?"

"His name is Sev, he said it himself. He can talk, you know! Yesterday, I woke up, and it was there, on my bedside table, yelling « Hello, Mary, I am truly sorry for what Avery did to you and I hope you will recover well ». Sometimes he comes up with some sentences, but you can't make him talk. Well, I asked Pomfrey, and she said it was probably a very well-successful metamorphosis. Can you imagine? Someone made this out of a teacup! I have absolutely no idea who sent it though. Maybe a secret admirer," she said after a pause, and she laughed.

Lily stared, amazed, at the bird, and then tickled his beak with her fingers.

"Hello, Sev," she whispered, and then she roared with laughter.

* * *

She caught up with him the next morning, before her Transfiguration class.

"Hey, Sev!" she said, when she bumped into him, his grey hair floating behind him, but he didn't answer, went straight passed her, and kept walking down the corridor, as if he had not heard.

"Sev? Hello!" She ran after him in the corridor.

"Oh, so you're talking to me now?" he said, a wide smile covering his pale face.

She laughed, and Severus had forgotten how he enjoyed this laugh, like little bubbles exploding over their heads.

"What you did for Mary… it's truly wonderful, you know."

"You know perfectly well that I didn't do it for her."

Lily blushed.

"Well, now she thinks she's got a secret admirer or something… anyway," she said in a low voice, "I've got to go to my class. You definitely have to teach me how you did it, though!"

And she walked away gracefully, leaving Snape gazing into space, in the corridor that was now crowded with people; he was standing there and did not move until he was brought back to reality by a huge guy who bumped against his left shoulder; he moved away, and thus did not here the woman in the portrait that hanged above him saying to her friend, a bearded man with a fat belly, "What a lucky boy he is, being loved by such a beautiful creature!"


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Notes:  
Hey guys! I just wanted to say thanks a lot to all those who left reviews, they really keep me going! Sorry for updating so late, but this chapter was definitly the hardest to write, not really because of its content, but because I'm having a hard time trying to express in english things that come to me in my mother tongue; I usually spend more time the nose in the dictionnary than in front of my page! (About that, thanks for your review, acwgb, you'll see I have been careful about 'lose' this time ;-) ). Nothing happens much in this chapter but I just wanted to clarify Sev's state of mind at present, which will be important to his evolution in the future. Oh well, to hell with this, here comes the third part!

* * *

**Choices and Abilities (Part III) **

* * *

"There — almost. No, just a little bit more of pomegranate juice — there you go." 

The whisper of his voice sounded great in Lily's ear.

They were sitting around a cauldron in the cold dungeon and, as usual, Severus was helping Lily with her potion; he had discovered some ways, he had told her, to make potions better and quicker than the book. He would always finish his potion about half an hour before everyone else, scribble new things in his book, covering its instructions…

Lily was amazed at how gifted for this he was, and she would always ask him to give her tips.

"Now, counterclockwise twice."

She did. The potion took a wonderful silver colour, almost translucent, with shades of green and blue waving over the surface.

"Well, Miss Evans, that's just fabulous!" Professor Slughorn was standing in front of her cauldron, a wide smile across his face, his ham-like hands clapping into each other vividly. "And that'll be another twenty points for Gryffindor! Fabulous, fabulous!"

"Well done, Evans," Potter said, "you're so bright. I mean it, I don't know anyone who could have —"

But already Lily had stopped listening; her eyes were now turned on Severus, who looked a little embarrassed.

"Congrats," he said in a melancholy manner.

"Thank you Sev," she said. "This is absolutely stunning. I'm really sorry I stole points from you though."

"Oh, don't mind that, you know Slughorn already awarded me enough points for a life-time," he said with a smile, "that wouldn't be fair for you Gryffindors if I didn't help once in a while…"

Lily pinched him.

"You're laughing but you know, that time where I sat with Joyce…"

He looked down to avoid her glance — he was still uncomfortable talking about their row.

"Well, we were completely lost. I mean, not exactly _lost_ — Slughorn did say my potion was the best — but I panicked, and I wish you'd been there to help me, you know?"

"I was there," he replied, still looking down. "But I messed up my potion anyway. I've got to say, Avery is not the best you could hope for — I mean, you should have seen how he cut those roots…"

Lily giggled; the only times Severus was getting talkative was when you mentioned Potions, or, she sighed, Dark Arts. Otherwise, he'd stay withdrawn, listening with attention, but he barely talked at all; she had always thought he was very insecure, maybe because of this dreadful education his parents had given him. He had trusted her with many things about his family, and she'd always keep her mouth shut about it, but she would have liked to talk more, to know more… then again, whenever the topic of the conversation was driving outside magic (or, from time to time, James Potter), he was more of a listener and didn't enjoy talking private life much.

"Er — Lily? Hello?"

"What? Oh, sorry," she said, pink in the face. "You were saying?"

"Never mind."

Half of the class had not finished their potions yet; Slughorn was constantly passing through the rows, frowning when someone had done something wrong, spilling out little noises expressing contentment, that slightly reminded Lily an old dog, when someone had done something right.

"Anyway," she said, feeling that she should express gratitude, "I don't know what I'd do without you really. You are so much more gifted than I am…"

"What? No way! It's not true. You're as gifted as I am really! You just have a lack of —"

She raised her eyebrows. Severus hesitated.

"— of confidence."

There was a short pause, and then Lily started laughing.

"I'm sorry, did you say I had a lack of «confidence»?"

He was obviously disconcerted by her reaction.

"Yeah, what's so funny about that?"

Lily replied, with her ironic tone: "Did you, Severus Snape" — he was not used to be called by his full name, which sounded very odd at the moment — "the most un-self-confident boy I ever knew, tell me that I had a lack of confidence?"

"Oh, so that's what funny," he grumbled, then he looked over his shoulder and saw that James Potter, struggling with a mud-coloured, paste-looking liquid (could it even be called a potion?), had currently turned over to see what Severus and Lily were up to, alarmed by the sound of her laugh.

"Look, I'm just joking," she said abruptly, "but still — it's like you're making Potions the way you should live your life."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I mean — well, you know —"

"No, I don't, actually." His voice was calm and low, but somehow different than usual.

"I mean, here, in this room, in front of your cauldron, you are wild, passionate, your eyes are shining with pleasure, you smile, you even make jokes sometimes and, you're like the master of it. The leader. Sort of a hero. Nothing goes wrong when you're making Potions. Nothing…"

Severus was listening; he held his breath.

"And, what's more, no one can hurt you. That's what makes you different," she said, glancing at James. "Well, what I mean is that, anyone who would look at you here and now would see that you truly and completely _enjoy_ it. I just wish you would enjoy life that much," she said, her voice shaking. She was worried she might have said too much, and annoyed him.

"I enjoy life when I'm with you." He wanted to say it, so badly; but he didn't. Fear and embarrassment were tightening him like a pair of pliers. He was not James Potter, he couldn't afford to ask her out every night! Nor could he afford to tell her that he had loved her ever since he had laid eyes on her, so many years ago, when she was still unaware of her abilities and used to play with rocs and flowers, changing their shapes, amazed, her eyes shining with pleasure, her hair whirling in the wind, whenever she was swinging on that little wood plank... But then again, he was not James Potter. He was not a big Quidditch hero, a popular joker, he had barely any friends at all, he wasn't handsome, or confident, or funny, and had no special abilities…

He hated himself. He hated himself for what he was, and he hated himself for what he wanted to become.

_Wild, passionate, making jokes… __A leader. Sort of a hero._ James Potter.

There was only one thing that he shared with James Potter, and oddly, that happened to be also the only thing he was ever proud of. Only with him, it was truer, purer, and more genuine that with the other one; and that was the love they both carried for Lily.

James Potter, despite his many and varied allusions on the topic, didn't really "love" Lily Evans. He worshiped her like a trophy, something you have to fight for because it's nice to have it shining on your shelf, and it makes you glorious; but he didn't deserve her. He knew nothing, absolutely nothing about her. He thought he loved her for what she was, but how could he? He did not know what she was.

Yet the more she would repulse him, the more he'd try and conquer her, because he was a fighter.

And he always got what he wanted, eventually. If he ever found a way to… what will he do after one date? Once he gets tired of her? He was indeed very good at conquering things — not at keeping them. He will throw her away like a hackneyed tissue. He'll find another trophy. Something else to fight for. Something more valuable, something new... he'll look for a change, like his pal Sirius Black did twice a week.

But he… Severus… he was not James Potter. He did love her. Truly, honestly, with all his heart, and soul, and power, and most importantly, _for ever_. And that what James Potter will never understand. For ever.

He was not James Potter.

He was not James Potter.

He was not —

"Severus?" Lily asked shyly, worried that he might have been offended by her frankness.

"James Potter. I am not James Potter," he said. Aloud. Holly crap.

"I beg your pardon?" She looked utterly bemused.

He did not know what to answer. His heart was beating wildly.

"And… time's up!" Slughorn yelled to the class, breaking the awkward silence that stood between them.

"I know you're not Potter, Sev! You've been Confunded, lately, or what?"

Suddenly, a voice appeared behind their backs; Potter and his mates were on their way to the door but they had stopped next to where Lily and Severus were sitting.

"Do my ears deceive me, or are you talking about me behind my back?" he snarled to Lily, and then he turned to Sirius and Remus, who were standing behind him, looking both extremely blasé. "She can't get enough of me, can she? Obsessed with me, I tell you," and then he gave a high-five to his mates. Remus rolled his eyes, and they were off.

"Well, that straightens the thing out," she said, and, smiling to Severus, "you're definitely not James Potter, if you ever doubted it. You're far more distinguished. Shall we go?"

Severus nodded, but while packing his bag, his head was totally in the clouds. The fact that she'd rather stay with the pathetic loser he thought he was than join the cool gang of brave Gryffindors who praised her meant everything to him.

He felt guilty about having doubts about her earlier, because now he was sure.  
He felt relieved.  
Yet guilty: he had underestimated her brightness, her intelligence.  
But no longer jealous: he was not James Potter? So what. He was proud.

There was no way Lily Evans would ever end up with James Potter. Ever.

And to him, that just meant the whole world.


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note: Boy, it's been long. I'm sorry I didn't update this earlier, but I had a thousand things going on in my mind and I didn't find the time to write. The good thing is that I've written a lot for the upcoming chapters so there should be less waiting. Anyway, I hope you like this chapter as well, and please review.  
(Tiny disclaimer: I stole the last sentence from Chapter Fifteen of PoA… but since I kind of stole the characters and half of the plot as well, I guess it's not much of a problem ;) ) Enjoy!

* * *

**Choices and Abilities (Part IV) **

* * *

The Slytherin common room was not crowed at this time of the day — it was dawn, and most people were still asleep. Avery, Mulciber, Snape, Lestrange and Rosier were talking, nearly whispering. 

"My dad says I should join as soon as I leave Hogwarts," Mulciber said, eyes shining with pleasure at the idea of leaving school. "He says that it's the future. The Dark Lord is going to rule the world, and we'd all better be by his side when he does."

Snape was looking absent-mindedly at the ceiling, half-listening, half-thinking.

"I've heard they give you some sort of tattoo…" began Avery.

"Yeah. The Dark Mark," said Rosier, feeling his forearm.

"Right, the Dark Mark. Well, that's just _cool_." He paused, then added, "I'm so eager to join!" He said that so loud that Mulciber cried, "Shhhh!" and put a finger on his lips.

"So what about you, Severus? Will you join?"

"Of course I will."

"Great then. Although…" Severus waited, but nothing came. Obviously, Lestrange did not know how to put what he wanted to say. "I don't think you should continue to see that Mudblood girl."

Before Severus could answer, Mulciber added:

"Yeah, what's the deal with her anyway? I mean, she's not only a Mudblood… she's also a Gryffindor! She is not worthy of talking to you. Why do you let her?"

"Lily is a… childhood friend," said Snape carefully. He was venturing into rather dangerous waters.

"Yeah, go and say that to the Dark Lord, we'll see what he thinks of your Mudblood childhood friend!" and the four Death-Eaters-to-be roared with laughter. Severus had never noticed how stupid they all looked; but he said nothing, his eyes still riveted on the ceiling.

"Well, if you care so much about that Lily girl," said Avery, "you can't be a Death Eater. You've got to choose your way."

"And why is that?" he said calmly, turning his eyes away from the ceiling.

They all exchanged glances whose meaning could not be mistaken.

"Oh, come on… isn't it obvious?"

He kept silent. He knew exactly what was coming but he was not in the mood to argue.

Avery sighted.

"She's a _Mudblood_. Death Eaters _fight_ Mudbloods." His tone was very slow, as if he explained to a little child that the earth was round.

Severus did not know what to answer, simply because he knew they were right. Stupid, but right. If he wanted to become what he had always wished he'd become — that is to say, a brave man, who could handle Dark Magic as well as power, a man who would get to take control over people like his father, Muggles, and do to them what he had done to him — he would have to part with Lily.

But without Lily, how could he have the strength to do what he would be asked to?

* * *

As summer approached, there was bright and clear sunlight every day and the grounds of Hogwarts were greener than ever; even the Giant squid sometimes got his paws out of the water. The mood of the fifth years, however, was a bit darkened by the upcoming OWLs. 

One of those sunny days, though, the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher told her students a news that brightened them and filled them all with excitement.

Gryffindors and Slytherins did not only share the Potion class, but also the Defense Against Dark Arts class, and it was a great pleasure for Severus to notice that, though Potter was obviously gifted with this subject, he was not better; both of them were top of the class, and there was definite rivalry — but a profitable one, Severus thought, because it pushed the two of them to excel themselves each time.

"So, what I am going to ask you today is a bit unusual," said the teacher, a little woman with bright blue eyes and white hair. "I know we're not really supposed to teach you these kinds of spells in fifth year, but seeing as the level of the class is quite high up, I asked Professor Dumbledore and he gave his approval. And trust me, if you can do this, you can pass any examination at ease."

None of the students dared to draw breath now; they were all waiting to know what would make them so good.

"Now I must warn you that our job today is not easy. It is actually extremely hard and I do not expect any of you to succeed, so don't be disappointed if you don't. We'll go down to the grounds," she went on, "and I'll teach you to cast a Patronus Charm."

There was a silence, immediately followed by several "Ooooooh"s and "aaaaaah"s; one student pinched himself to check that he was not asleep; James and Sirius hugged, extremely happy; Lily's bright green eyes shone with amazement.

"We'll be working on a Boggart, which I locked in this little box. Please follow me."

They all went down the spiral staircase, their voices echoing against the walls, everyone sharing considerations about Patronuses: "I wonder what mine's going to look like!", "I hope I'm not a spider!", "My sister told me you have to remember something very happy… Do you think if I remember the precise moment she told us we were going to learn how to cast those stuffs, it's going to work?" …

* * *

After one and a half hour of hard, hard work and concentration, none of the students had managed to cast a single Patronus Charm. The excitement they had all been feeling at first had turned into bitter disappointment. They all felt powerless and were condemned to face the truth: it was not easy _at all_ to cast a Patronus. 

"Focus, Potter, focus!" shrieked the little witch, who had placed many hopes in James. "Let's try again, come on… something really, really happy…"

Then, out of nowhere, it happenened; James frowned, cried _Spero Patronum_ with all his heart, and a silver shape burst out of his wand. Severus watched and did not move, but he felt suddenly very cold, though the sun was still up in the sky.

"It's a stag! A stag! It's a stag!" cried James, with the same tone as if he had just had a baby and cried "It's a boy!"

"It's beautiful…" All the girls, even the Slytherins, came to the stag, some even dared to stroke it.

"And that will be thirty points for Gryffindor, Mr Potter. Congratulations," said the teacher, and her blue eyes were teary. "Now, you all saw what Potter just did. If he can do it, you can do it, so… back to work, people."

Maybe it was the fact that they saw it was possible, or maybe it was the atmosphere of success that filled the air, or maybe it was just that all the students were once again motivated, but, unlike at the beginning of the class, had now acquired all the basis necessary to succeed, but in the next ten minutes, every one had produced something that looked like a Patronus — sometimes only a white, indistinct shape, but powerful enough to push the Dementor, who was really a Boggart, away — every one, but Snape.

He had tried, harder and harder each time, but the contagious cheerfulness did not affect him, and as the class went by, he grew gloomier and gloomier. _If Potter can do it, I can do it_, he thought, and he tried to think of something very happy, but he couldn't find anything.

"Sev! Sev! Come here! Come and see what I can do!"

He approached Lily, forcing himself to smile.

"I didn't see what it was — it just vanished — wait, I'll try again — so, er… okay, I'll try this … _Spero Patronum!_" From the tip of her wand burst a silver shape, gleaming in the sunlight.

"A doe," said Severus. "It's a doe. And it's beautiful." He stroke the Patronus on the back.

The silver doe made circles around Lily, who was giggling.

"She's so cute! Look at her — oh, Sev, I'm so happy!"

Was it on purpose, or not, that James Potter chose that precise moment to reiterate his feat, Severus did not know. But he knew what was going to happen the moment he heard him shout the spell: he was not an idiot. A doe, a stag. A stag, a doe.

James's Patronus jumped towards Lily's; they looked at each other, and then, quite calmly, their heads came together, and after a long moment, they both walked together in the direction of the Forest, and then vanished.

Severus turned to Lily, and her cheeks had turned so red that, with her ginger hair, she seemed to have caught fire.

"WOW!" shouted James, speechless.

"That's… embarrassing," Lily said, and all eyes were turned either on her, or on James, along with giggles.

"So, tell me, how are you going to name your first baby?" asked Remus to break the silence, and James, Sirius and Peter laughed.

"Prongs sounds pretty cool, doesn't it?" replied James, and at this moment, the four of them exchanged a look that they were alone to understand. "Doesn't it, Lily?" he said, addressing directly to her.

"Keep your mouth shut, Potter," croaked Severus, trying to sound as much confident as he could.

"Oooh, but that reminds me, we haven't seen what Snivellus's Patronus looks like… A spider maybe? Or a bat? Or a filthy little centipede, I'm sure… Or maybe you can't do them! Do you have a problem with Patronuses, Snivello? Are they so good-looking that you can't do them? I know you have a problem with beauty, but that much, I had no idea," he said, sounding falsely sympathetic.

People laughed.

"Give him a break, for heaven's sake!" shouted Lily, angrily. As the students focused their attention on their own work again, she shook her head and helped him. "Come on, Severus, try. Something happy! Something that fills you with joy. Something that brightens you."

He held his wand, ready to try again, and she added: "Come on, I know you're a hell lot better than Potter at this, he just brags. I know you can make it, I have total faith in you." By saying that, she thought it would give him confidence, make him stronger.

He took a deep breath, opened his mouth, then —

"No. I can't."

He shook his head and sat down, far from the others.

"But — but you didn't even try! Try, try, I want to see yours!"

But he could not bear to fail in front of her. If he had tried, before, it would not have mattered; but after what she had told him, he felt awful thinking that he could let her down, that she could think for a moment that Potter was maybe better, after all… that he was weak… and he knew that he would have failed, precisely because he felt awful.

Five minutes later, the little witch said:

"Well, that was excellent. I'm very proud of you, all of you, you have improved a lot! And I know Professor Dumbledore will be thrilled to know that his students are able to defend themselves that good. You can go now."

Severus headed to the dungeons and Lily took the staircase, to where her common room was.

Behind her, though she didn't know, were the four Marauders, speaking a bit low:

"So yours was a wolf, uh, Moony? Didn't see _that_ one coming…" Sirius said, and they all laughed.

"Excuse me for a moment," James said, "I've got something to do."

He came to Lily, and made her jump as he whispered to her ear, slowly:

"You know what I thought about?"

Though she would not admit it, she was still a bit stricken by the whole Patronus incident, and did not feel like being rude to him.

"What you thought about when...?"

"When I cast the first Patronus. I hesitated but, you know, I thought, if this one doesn't work, nothing will."

"Hmm, let me think… The day you received your letter from Hogwarts?

He shook his head, smiling. "Nope."

"Er — I know! This one time you won the Quidditch Cup!"

To her surprise, he said, "Netiher."

"The first time you got on a broomstick? Your holiday in France with your best friends? I don't know…"

There was a silence, then he whispered, in a breath:

"The night I met you."

* * *

When she went back to her dormitory, quite overwhelmed, but in a very good mood, there was a nasty surprise awaiting her. She had received, this morning, a letter from home that she had not yet opened, and when she did, tears filled her eyes. 

_Hello, you little freak!_

_I hope things are going awfully bad in your little freak school. Dad and Mum forced me to write you… oh, they don't have to… I would never lose one occasion to tell you how much I loathe you, you and your stupid little friend, how much I despise your arrogance and greed —_

The letter continued but she could not bear to read more. She ran down the stairs, reached the common room, got out by the portrait hole, and ran, ran through the corridors, not knowing what to do or where to go … then she bumped into someone. It was Severus, on his way back from the library.

"Lily, what are you — are you crying?"

Tears were cascading down her cheeks and her face had turned red again. Her eyes, even swollen, were still beautiful.

"What's happened?"

"It's… my sister, she… she doesn't understand…" Her voice was shaking. Severus grabed her hand and they both walked, until they reached a deserted classroom.

"Come here," he said, then they sat down and he hugged her so tightly that she could hardly breathe. "She did it again?"

She nodded. They kept silent for several minutes, and then she said:

"None of my friends get me as you do. I'm so lucky I have you, Sev."

Severus didn't answer. He could hardly breathe; he was afraid that she would notice the unusual racing of his heartbeat, and was desperately trying to slow it down but each attempt seemed to lead to the opposite effect. All he could feel was the touch of her skin pressed against his chest and the soft, warm sensation of her red hair under his fingers; yet there was another feeling that seemed to have taken possession of him. It was like hot butter flooding into his veins, filling him with warmth and serenity on the inside, making every thought that ran into his head lovely, as if all the bitterness he had piled up for all these years was finally gone. It was hard to explain, but he felt incredibly well. Was it happiness? He did not know. What he knew is that, when he turned his head to kiss her, it seemed natural, as if he had done this for years. His lips brushed against hers.

At first she looked stunned, as if somebody had Stupefied her. She did not understand what was happening, really; so she let herself be, not responding back, but not pushing him away either; Severus closed his eyes and kissed her with more ardour; and for a moment, he wished a thousand Dementors would enter the room right now, because he was certain he would have produced the best Patronus in the world.


End file.
